Fearfully and Wonderfully Made

perfect: adj. Having no mistakes or flaws; having all of the qualities you want in that kind of person, situation, etc.

I am a perfectionist. I like when things are exactly how I want them or turn out how I plan. I hate when things get messed up and flawed because they are not perfect in my eyes. Perfectionism is a flaw though. This idea I have that I can be and make everything perfect is illogical. We are human. We are imperfect humans who are flawed and can only strive to be like our perfect Creator. Now, I am going to ramble on for a bit, so please just bear with me until the end.

My entire life I have been a straight-A student and haven't tried hard at all for those A's. In elementary school, my mom would quiz me the night before tests and I remember rattling off answers word for word from the study guide or book. I could memorize spelling words and vocabulary; I could do math easily; I could recount historic events and science facts with ease. In middle school it was the same thing, and into high school. Even into my first semester of college I hardly studied and came out with a 4.0. No matter what, I got the "perfect" grades I wanted and put forth minimal effort.

Going into my second semester most of my classes were continuations of the basics I had taken my first semester. For the most part, they weren't too bad and with a little studying I did well. Except in Chemistry 2. As I have mentioned, I am a biology major on the pre-med track. I love biology and learning the natural order of things and how organisms work together in harmony. Part of the curriculum of a biology degree requires many classes in biology (obviously), chemistry, and physics. Chemistry, however, is my kryptonite. Chemistry 1 was a breeze for me because I was blessed with an extremely good high school chemistry teacher (thanks JT). However, Chemistry 2 contained new concepts that I struggled to comprehend. I hated that I couldn't make sense of the material, and stressed out about all of the exams because I wasn't doing "perfect". When finals rolled around I knew the exact grade I needed to make on the final and fell short by 4 points. I missed having an A by .4 points. It was devastating to me because I felt like a failure. I didn't get that "perfect" grade, but as Cassidy Barrett says, "Your grades don't define you."

Again, I have a challenging chemistry class this semester: organic chemistry. While I'm sure sometimes I make it more challenging than it is, I still spend long nights and days studying for it and so far I've only produced B material. I am, once again, falling short of my own standard of perfection. The thing is, it doesn't matter what it is we are trying to be perfect in, because we will not reach absolute perfection. We may reach earthly standards of perfection sometimes, but we will never actually be perfect because we were not created for that; it is an unattainable goal. You may want the "perfect" grades, the "perfect" body, the "perfect" life even, but you will fall short in those goals. Don't give up when you fail, just take it in stride. It is okay to fail sometimes.

You see, as much as I try and as much as I push myself I cannot be perfect either because I too am only human. Perfection is an unattainable human state. God knows that we are not perfect, and more importantly, He doesn't expect us to be. God is the only person we will ever know that is perfect, and all we can do is try our best to be like Him and not be too upset when we fall short. When we do fall short though, know that He still loves you and even though you feel as if you have failed you are right where He wants you. With that being said, go forth and strive for perfection and remember Psalm 139:14,

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." 

You are fearfully and wonderfully made and perfect in God's eyes even if they don't measure up to earthly standards.

xoxo, B

Pilot

It is 8:18 PM EST on a Tuesday and I should be studying, writing a paper, reading- basically anything but listening to Thomas Rhett and trying out a blog, but here I am blogging on my couch. 

I should probably take this time to introduce myself (if anyone is actually reading this thing) to those who don't really know me. Well, my name is Britt Bolin, for starters. I am a pre-med sophomore at the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga and a lifeguard from a very small town called Lawrenceburg in Tennessee and if you aren't sure where that is it is totally okay. This blog is something I have been thinking about for a few weeks now and it is really just a place for me to get my thoughts out and if people read it then so be it. You may disagree with me on things, but oh well, people aren't made to agree on everything. 

For those that know me (if any of you are even reading this), you probably know that school is a pretty large portion of my life (see above about being a pre-med major). That being said any ideas I had about my second year of college being as easy as my first went out the window of my apartment building the second week of classes. My class load is double what it was last year as far as homework and assignments, and next semester looks just as malicious. I am juggling to maintain classes along with lifeguarding around 20 hours a week-which is more tiring than one would think- and volunteering at a local hospital while trying to make it to December. You may, or may not depending on your classes or life, be thinking that that sounds like a lot to handle, and it is, but I try to take it in stride and keep a smile on my face (the key is to consume a lot of coffee). Other than coffee though, I turn to God when the stress gets to be too much, and the rest of my first post will be the explanation of a breakthrough I reached in recent months and it will include God, so if you are not a believer or God makes you uncomfortable you might want to just not read any of my blogs because Him and I are pretty tight, but that being said I hope you DO read and are enlightened. 

Since I have not mentioned it yet, I am Catholic and proud to be. I was raised in a Catholic home and have continued to be part of the Catholic Church in my adult (am I really an adult?) life. I'm the first to admit I am not in any way perfect as much as I try to be, and I know that I have made plenty of mistakes, especially in high school and into my first year of college and  I will continue to make mistakes until I die because I am human. That being said, I know that I am a child of God and that He loves me even if I am not perfect. Time for a story now; I spent my summer in Chattanooga working and taking a few summer classes, and during this time I had great friends and was really happy with my life. BUT I knew that I was missing something and something in my life wasn't quite right (which I will not go into details to explain). As I have said, I continued to go to church and keep my relationship with God, but I knew I wasn't doing all I could and I knew what I needed to do to turn that around. I started praying harder and opening my ears (and eyes) more during Sunday morning Mass and I started making small changes in my life that I'm not sure people even noticed. Finally, around July I started really seeing changes in myself and I was genuinely happy with the person I was and every day since then I have worked harder to maintain my relationship with God and be a better person in all ways. With the new school year I was glad to see old faces like Cassidy and Hannah and Briley and so many others, and when school got tough I just continued to pray and keep a tight relationship with the Big Guy Upstairs. I'm still not sure if others see the changes that I do or if I've really changed much, but last weekend when I was home my cousin looked at me and said, "You've gotten happier since you went to college." That hit me in a big way, and maybe I am reading too much into, but to me it means that people can see how happy I am now that I have made my life more for Him, and less for me. 

I know this is heavy stuff for a first post, but it's stuff that has been on my mind for a few months. Now time to go study since it's back to the (kinda) real world tomorrow. 

Until next time,
xoxo B